My eyes popped wide open and I instantly heard Him speak. His tone was one of clarity and demand of my attention. You know the tone that is reached when someone has been waiting for months for something to manifest? That tone of urgency, expectation and passion. That’s the tone I got.
“What are you doing?” I heard Him say. I knew He wasn’t curious of my plans for the day or week. I knew enough had been enough and He wanted me back.
My heart sank to my stomach, yet I could feel it in my throat all at once. I wasn’t sure what to do or to say. I slid to the floor next to my bed and sat so very still. I sat in shame and defeat.
I slowly raised my hands and said, “ I surrender.”
Tears flooded my face and I felt a love like I had longed for, for so long. A love that I had given up on. A love that I had been rejecting. A love that is incomparable to anything that I can put into words.
*Three Months Prior*
I was mad. Not the kind of mad that a jog can take away or a bite of chocolate can fix. I was angry to my core. My anger ran deep and its roots were hurt. Not a single thing in my life was right and I was mad. Chaos and confusion appeared everywhere and I couldn’t understand it. I was so hurt and didn’t know who to turn to. My world had been turned upside down and it looked like it was irreparable. I let negative thoughts creep in. I let them take over. To the point that I was done. Life hadn’t worked out so well going the way that I had, so I was just going to do it my way….Altogether we can say, “Rebellious.”
In three months I made choices that I NEVER would have dreamed that I would have. I drank wayyyyy to much and dated a guy that was 70 shades of wrong for me. I tried to fill the void of hurt in my life with alcohol and sex. In three short months I made choices that caused myself even more hurt, even more things that I would have to heal from. I had came to the point that I looked at my life and couldn’t even recognize it. In three short months I was even more of a disaster then I was before I had started.
The day that I surrendered is one that I’ll never forget. It was the day that I had thought about in the back of my mind. It was one that I knew would come. It was a day that I could literally feel the love of God all around me. Some would wonder how I could interpret love from that. But honestly that is the only thing that is to be interpreted from it.
He loved me so much that He intervened so I couldn’t continue down the road of self-sabotage. He loved me enough to meet me where I was and love me STILL, even after being blatantly rebellious. He loved me so much that when I spoke the words of surrender He immediately began to redeem the time through His mercy and grace.
For some reading, you may be a little shocked. Possibly for most of you because it’s something that I was scared to open up about. I was mortified to share my horrible mistakes. I felt like I was supposed to write about it and I honestly fought it. I began to pray about it and that’s when I realized something so freeing. Sharing of my past mistakes only reveals just how good He is. If He can meet me in my sin, He surely can meet you in yours. Telling of my mistakesis guaranteed truly show how wonderful He is.
In so many ways I feel like the prodigal son; loved and accepted in spite of my choices. I feel like I a new creation, like I’ve been saved all over again. His mercies truly are new every morning. I still make mistakes daily. It has been a process to heal from the poor choices in my life, nevertheless it’s been a beautiful one.
I felt an urgency to share this story. I know I am not alone in being a believer, and taking a side road full of self-sabotage and sin only to find myself on the road of redemption. That’s the beauty of our Savior. It doesn’t matter the time that has passed or the things that have been done. He is there so graciously ready for us to surrender.
I encourage you to take your eyes off of your actions and look to His. If you find yourself where I was, full of anger and hurt, please know that there is hope and healing is readily available to you. Maybe you identify with not wanting to admit your failures, in fear of looking bad. Please know that your failures are an opportunity to rejoice in His goodness.
There is true beauty in full surrender, He’s ready for you to come and see.
Job 11: 13-15
Surrender your heart to God, turn to Him in prayer, and give up your sins- even those you do in secret. Then you won't be ashamed; you will be confident and fearless.